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hi there,

it's not marcel nebeling (aka badfinger) himself who is writing this to you. it's me, michael, his brother. today, i'm writing you for my brother. i'm very sad to let you know that he died on june 24 this year. he was 30.

some of you may not know that he got a heart transplant in december 1998 after having fought for his life for 21 years. he has experienced much better quality of living since then, probably with his best times from 2003 to 2006. with the new heart he was able to finish his studies, find work, and live on his own in his own appartment in augsburg.

now in the year 2008 he was in the 10th year with his new heart. nobody has ever thought that he would ever make it that long. except for he himself, me his brother, and our mother. there are not many people in this world who manage to live that long with the complications he has had.

looking back at his life and everything he has achieved, all the nice things he has put up here and on various other blogs, the way he smiled, the way he lived, the way he expressed feelings and the way he went into discussions, all this makes us feel the big loss. but all this also makes us proud of him.

one of marcel's quotes is "Dream your life 'til it comes true...". i'm here to say he has lived his life until it came true. there are so many things i have learned from marcel and the way he lived his life. but the most important lesson to me still is how to enjoy your life given that you only have another 10 years.

it was very important to me and my mother that we say good bye to all his friends on deviantart. he has had a very good time posting stuff on here and was happy about all the positive feedback that he has received. my mother and i, we have created a website in his name: we will collect all of his work and post it on www.marcel-nebeling.de.

thanks to you all!

all the best,
michael and karin

p.s. we would be happy if this account was not cancelled by deviantart due to inactivity.
  • Listening to: Bon Jovi - Unbreakable
  • Reading: D. Coupland - GenerationX
  • Playing: air guitar
  • Eating: asia food
  • Drinking: WATER, COLA and MILK
LOSING YOU (it's actually from December07, but it still is true!)



When the world fades to gray,
When the time seems to stay
Endless and full of ache
When you call me a loser
When you become the totally refuser
Don't you see what's happening?
What's done so far?

Didn't I say that I stay at your side?
Didn't I do what I promised you,
But you are just flying away like a bird,
And don't you see you make my heart hurt?

So you call me a Loser?
See what you've done to me,
But I'm not the loser,
I'm just losing you,
And its sad... but true.

But the game one plays always in two ways,
If you leave you lose always.
It isn't done yet,
So if you reconsider baby,
If you understand what you are about to do,
You can save us from breaking up
Giving everything away,
So I ask you... Don't you wanna stay?

If not so you say good bye,
Leave it behind, like everything you do,
If its over, its over for me too...
  • Listening to: 50cent - Disco Inferno
  • Reading: D. Coupland - JPod
  • Playing: air guitar
  • Eating: asia food
  • Drinking: WATER, COLA and MILK
So you just cut me down! So you just try to slow me down? Ok! You try to stop me, do leave on the road, dead! NO YOU CANT STOP ME! For every punch in the gut, for every smack in the face, I will stand up, will rise and start anew! You can't stop me!
  • Listening to: KAYNE WEST - STRONGER
  • Reading: 50Cent's - From pieces to weight
  • Watching: RATATOUILE DVD :)
  • Playing: air guitar
  • Eating: asia food
  • Drinking: WATER, COLA and MILK
Sometimes you have to have the faith into yourself to push on for change, even if it is to find your way back on the road. So I tell you the truth, cause truth be told, I don't want to hold it back, so you may think better of me as I am.

In 2007 I led a life that was like the typical "go down with hellfire" kinda way. It was like AC/DC's Highway to hell and it was that I coudln't see the difference anymore. I know it may seem trivial, because people have done things much more threatening to their lives, but I guess for mine it was enough.

I have drunken too much and I have partied too much, I had to tell lies to cover my actions, I got angry at the false persons, I lost my family nearly even if I really love them dearly. This all had so many effects, that now in 2008 it is still hard to walk on, but the hope for change pushes me on. I can now tell you, that I found my way back. Sure the ice is still thin, but I'm in the right fighting mood and I have the feeling, that I do the right decisssions again.

I know I'm the kinda guy, that needs to feel the dirt between the teeth to get back to normal. There were so many times of silent tears, especially as I discovered my family was right what I did was not good for me. But I hadn't the guts to tell them streight that they were right and so it took for so long.

But now I fight my way back. Yesterday evening, until deep in the night, I browsed through my over 340 pieces of GFXArt and found, that I had something special. There are some pieces I'm really proud of and I see, even if I should have to leave this world tomorow there would be something that I leave, that is good. Like my short stories, but the most important things we leave behind is the scars we leave on people. I have done my share of those and I know that the time will come, when I will feel how those scars hurt.

Right now nothing is really ok. I fear that my trial time for the new job will not be successfull, even as I now push on more then I did ever before. For two weeks now I had around 60 to 70 hours a week of work. And I have to press on!

Also even as this should kinda get me down, make me weak, burn me out, it makes me stronger because I believe I can do what I have to do and that I'm stronger than before. Ok, I admit drinking alcohol had its fun times, and there are several evenings I really treasure. But the downside of all this was, that it really took me down ... totally. I know it may not be wise to tell here what happened, but now it is nearly a year later that I woke up in the emergency station and got told that I had over 3 promile... That was the time, when I discovered, that I wasn't any much better then my always drunk dad, who beat me as a child and who I hate more than anything on this world... except mabye myself for the foolish things I did.

I know this is kinda hard here to tell the truth and I even have to tell you, that I feel the tears right around the corner. But those are not the salty tears of a guy who has given up, but those belong to a young man who got strong and is happy that he found his way back. I have to express my deepest appologies foremost to my mother, who got hurt so much. Even as I know that not every argument was right from her side, even so I know that I did say things that should have been left unspoken, I want to tell the world, that I love her still and that I have now understood what I did wrong. I have only the way of showing that I can do better to get back her trust.

So this is my truth and it is a dirty one. But I will show that even if I got a little sidetracked, I have found my way back. This guy here is learning the hard way, but that is somehow the only way you really get it in your head stuck.

So next time if you see something from me, you may remember this post. That is ok with me, especially as now I have the guts to stay to my mistakes and I admit that I have the faith and power to get back to where I was before... even better, I will change to the one I want to be, a more skillfull, more smarter guy... To the good things (sure there were changes that were good ones in 2007) I want to hold on, want to express them more...

Thank you for your time! This had to be told...

Best regards,
Marcel
  • Listening to: Chris Isaak - Baby did a bad bad thing
  • Reading: HA JIN - WAR TRASH
  • Watching: my monitor :-)
  • Playing: air guitar
  • Eating: asia food
  • Drinking: MEZO MIX :o)
So this is the end of the year, of 2007... I just made 16 works in this year and there isn't much of them that I'm really proud of. But the new year is around the corner and I guess I will not look back. Looking forward is the way to go...

I am really looking forward to see me brother again, when he comes from Australia back to Germany. I have made some plans and have goals for the new year. I wish that everything becomes the way it needs to be. I really hope to get back on the road, get back onto what I really want to be. I know it needs time and that this is going on for a bunch of months now... But I have the faith in me, that this 2008 will be the change of everything!

So let there be 2008 and let there be ROCK n ROLL :-)

Best,
Marcel






AND HERE ARE MY GALLERY STATS:



badfinger has 11,755 pageviews total and his 358 deviations were viewed 40,513 times. He watches 73 people, while 57 people watch him.

Overall, his deviations received 1,927 comments and were added to deviants' favourites 390 times, while he commented 3,157 times, making about 1.5 comments per day since he joined DA. This means that he gave 16 comments for every 10 that he received.

His deviation with the most comments is Ice Rose with 28 comments, while his most favourited one is Sadness, with 30 favourites. His most viewed deviation is Sadness with 2,165 views.

2 favourites were given for every 10 comments.

Every 5.8 days he uploads a new deviation, and it's usually on a Saturday, with 68 (19%) of his deviations.

His busiest month was March 2004 with 19 (5%) of his deviations.

The majority of his deviations are uploaded to the Digital Art gallery (182), while his favourite category was Wallpaper > Abstract with 65 deviations.

Comments per deviation: 5.38
Favourites per deviation: 1.08
Views per deviation: 113.16
Comments per day: 0.91
Favourites per day: 0.18
Views per day: 19.33
Pageviews per day: 5.61
This friday I was in Munich to the P!NK Concert and it was totally awesome. Great voice, cool, and fun... she had so much fun and her voice is amazing. I have to admit I don't know all her albums but I really love her voice and she knows to rock. Great show, great event... and we had a fucking nice time!

THANKS :)
CRIMSON RISING

Into the darkness, out of the light
Keeping safe what is not safe
Running into rage
Falling down the edge

Blood is thicker than water,
Rage is fire, peace is something we dont know about
Anymore
Its the age of CRIMSON RISING
Also known as the Time of Dying

There is no hope when darkness swallows
E V E R Y T H I N G
There is no freedom when everything belongs to THEM
CRIMSON RISING
Flesh torn apart, 'cause the world is dying
And that's just the start

You can fight, you can scream
But forget about your DREAM
The world is painted in CRIMSON now
Weapons are shining in the moon of the dying world
Crimson streets, seas and earth
There is no coming back, no return,
CRIMSON RISING
The time of dying
THE END
.
  • Reading: Terry Pratchet - Diggers
Hello there!

On the 12th of September I attended the concert and it was really one of a kind... I mean we were first row, right front and it was fucking unbelieveable. She seemed to have so much fun, and well, she stood right beside me, and gave me a blink of the eyes. I really like her music from the No Doubt days but the new stuff is cool too. And she was just happy to be there it seemed.

This was just a perfect day for me!

Great show, great day and a moment in my life I will remember and care for forever ;)

Best,
Marcel
  • Reading: Barry Eisler - Requiem for an Assassin
  • Listening to: Elvis - Hound Dog
  • Reading: John Burdett - Bangkok Tattoo
R.I.P. ELVIS

Power from the shaking pelvis,
A voice like a hurican and totally free
Unbroken, but still he died.

But without him there would be no rock,
Ther would be no roll,
Cause Elvis Presley was and is the King of rock n roll.

And Rock n Roll will never die!
  • Listening to: Bon Jovi - We Got It Going On
  • Reading: John Burdett - Bangkok Tattoo
Hello folks!

I still have to do enough to get me back on the road. I'm still on the search for a new job, since my contract expires at the end of September. There are many things right now that bother me, and are even a little scary. But I will fight on and try to make the best out of everything. At least I will bite like I should, like a lonely wolf left alone and ready to get back on his turf.

I also want to change my ideas about myself, want to change to someone better. So I have  decided to start a journal about my days. But since I do not really like to write about the daily things, I have caught on an idea... Somewhere I read about a daily journal with just one sentence... But since I want to talk more I have had the idea of: 5 sentences a day ... I guess 5 sentences to cover the day is a good meassure to make something between mystic words, lyrics and poems and still I can stick to the idea of a dairy.

I would be delighted if you comment here:

5sentencesaday.blogspot.com/

Please remember I just started. But since it is fun (at least for me) I thought I would let you all know what I'm doing :)

Also let me know if you have a dairy of yourself online (except here on DA) which you wanted to discuss or get commented. Would be a pleasure...

Best regards and happy reading & writing, painting, 3dmodelling,gfxing and you got what I mean... lol...

Your's truely Marcel
Sitting alone in the afternoon
Wishing old times back
Remembering the power you gave me
But somehow we lost our track
How cold can it get
When nobody seems really to need you
How cold can it get
When nothing is there to warm you,
How cold can it get
When the memories start to fade away
How cold can it get
When there is only regret and tears to stay
I hope that you awake
That you treat me like the friend I am
I hope that you understand
That there is nothing wrong with me
I hope that you will come aware of what you might miss
I hope but hope is not helping anymore
How cold can it get?
What do I mean to you?
Nothing, just something of your past?
How cold can it get?
Until everything breaks and loses its meaning?
Don't push me away like you do
Don't treat me bad like you start to do again
Cause I know in the end you might find yourself
Standing alone in the rain
Cause when I'm gone who will be there to help like I did?
So please tell me,
How cold can it get?
If everything we had is gone, just gone...
  • Listening to: Joe Cocker - Civilized Man
  • Reading: Barry Eisler - Rain Storm (nearly finished..)
Hello folks...

I just realized, this is my fith year here on devArt and I somehow think, that I should talk a little about what this place here means for me and what art is for me. Well, at least I think I should, but I don't want to bore you to the bones... Let's just say, that when I look at my gallery, I see every phase of my live since when I started here in 2002. I see how I became what I'm now and how I changed and how my works changed.

At first there was just the shy guy, who tried to show off, if he got something he thought, that might be good. I had support from my homies, the friends I had and most of all my family. I remember sitting at my pc for hours, just trying things out on photoshop. I remember nights, sitting there in the darkness, the headphones put into my ears, and the music loud like hell.

I have to say when I think back at that time, I relaize, that I really have gotten older. I know how this might sound, when you think about that I'm just turning thirty. I have to admit, that it scares me on one way and on the other hand, I'm damn proud of it. There where so many people in this world who never really believed I would live another day...

Art is for me just a way to relax and to be honest, from all those gfx I did, there are mabye only five works or so, that I think of as art. And it makes me proud that the best and most favoured work, Sadness, is the one, I did as a memory to a great girl, who died on cancer, after getting all this far, fighting for her life... having gotten a new lung...

There was really a time when I saw my works as a way to develop myself, but somewhere on the road it seems... I've lost interest in it. I had my job, and everything was going well. And then I blew it... and it turns out, that I get again more interested in writing and in doing gfx works.

I know, there are several works, that where intended only for one person... Kira... and I really do love her and I know that she is still the best person I have met in my life so far. But I did change, and when I now see in the mirror, and see a person, that has changed... good changes and bad ones... There were quite often moments when I did think, that I have become more crazy, more self confident but in the end it is not the case. I mean, being cool... and thinking you are is not the same...

Five years full of passion, a half decade, a piece of my life and I really say, I hope there will be more and that I will have the power to hold on to the essence of what I want to be... In the old days I did not care for fancy clothes... but that changed and its not bad. In the old days I did not drink and that changed too, but in a bad way... And I realize, that these days I just burn down everything I have created, that I just shutdown everything that was special...

So now is the time to stand up... At least I have understood what is happening... I have to especially thank Joeglaine for all his wise, kind and pushing words! It's kinda crazy, we never met each other, I'm not as much as him in sci fi, but I do value his words and read them often. So here this is for you:


Joe, you're a fighter
Fighting the world and showing other yours
Joe, you're an artist
Giving always your best, and you never forget about the rest
Joe, you're just a cool guy
AND IF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU... I will cry!
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!



Since this seems to be my most honest text so far I dont want to quit on the chance to thank my MOTHER AND MY BROTHER for being what they are, for staying with me, even if I'm at some points a great egoist, a guy who likes to fight long arguments, and who is bad sometimes just to the people who love me...

Also I want to thank KIRA, for being there, when I needed you, for having such a great time with you! I want to appologize for all the mistakes, but I'm just a man, and a stupid one when it comes to women... But anyway I still do care for you, I still miss you and I just want to say... I change what I have to change and I will hold on to what is best to hold on... YOU ARE ONE OF THE ONES THAT I WANT TO HOLD ON!


So ... Well... Ok I wanted to talk about art, but since I'm not so good at it, just showing what is in me and trying to show you myself, the hidden one... I can't tell you how to make this what I do, especially I have to say that about my stories. And I'm really proud to be here at devART, to belong here and so I THANK ALL OUT THERE FOR COMMENTING, FAVING AND IN GENERAL FOR YOUR KIND SUPPORT!
  • Listening to: Brides of Destruction - Two times dead
  • Reading: Barry Eisler - Hard Rain
Sometimes you see in the darkness a little light, but often there is just plain darkness. Often I sit there in the darkness, thinking about everything I want to think about and it turns out, it's just the person, it's just you, I can think about. It's not me and you, but just you. I don't know why nor do I care why it's happening. I just see that the light in the darkness, that I always saw (since I met you),is fading, it's blown away if I do not start to think about you again.

But when I think about you, everything becomes so dreamy, so full of tears and I just want to sit there and cry. Darkness is all around us, but the people that we love make it go away. Loving people is not easy especially when you are complicated like me.

But still I sit there in the darkness, sitting there and again I think, not about me and you, but just about you. And when I can't think of you anymore...?? Then there will be only darkness and me...
  • Reading: William Gibson - All Tomorow's Parties
Well I have read Idoru and still I'm not really sure what I should think of it. I have to admit, it was one of those books where I tried several times to read it and then just put it away. Now I'm trough and I'm somehow not really satisfied. Ok, I started with reading the followup, All Tomorow's Patries.

The style and prose is very Gibson and I like it. The story itself is somehow... well I got the feeling he was just writing it for his style, just relaxing and never really pushing it forward. But still I enjoyed it. It's a silent book and the action gets never really hot. But ok, that's normal for Gibson.

I liked Laney and I like the idea of the nodal points but for me the Idoru itself somehow played not really into it. It's strange, because it's the center of the book.

Well maybe you have to read it in the whole... I mean the trillogy in one run...

But still it's a good book and you can learn alot for writing...
  • Reading: William Gibson - Idoru
  • Watching: The Weatherman
It doesn't matter to you anyway...


The shine in my eyes when I just see you there,
The rumble of my heart when I watch you silently,
All is nothing, nothing for you anyway.

I can just stay there and think I love you,
But you just dont care, my hope is useless,
It doesn't matter to you anyway.

All those kind words for you,
All those thoughts and worries about you,
You still don't care,
Cause it doesn't matter
And I fear to understand
It never will.

But still the hope dies in the end,
And I can't fight forever,
I'm here to lose this game,
It's just a shame...

But it doesn't matter to you anyway,
No word of mine is good enough for you,
I'm not your type and I don't have a right,
You say, I'm just a good friend.

But honey, the friends are who matter
And people who love you every moment you live
And if you just turn your back on me
I will cry I know, but any rain has its end.

And than it may matter to you...
  • Reading: William Gibson - Idoru
  • Watching: The Weatherman
It seems that I find my way back to the one I was and to what I really loved and I guess I can somehow say, what I can do best. I wrote a story, after such a long time with just fragements. Ok, it's a sad story, but life ain't easy either!

Anyway I'm proud of this one, and I think it's the first real step in the right direction. I don't know, I read William Gibson and than I wrote this story, which isn't near to his genre or so. But somehow I think he awoke my prose again.

Anyway I wish you all a HAPPY NEW YEAR!
  • Reading: William Gibson - Idoru
  • Watching: The Weatherman
I close my eyes to forget
I tried to run away
Tried everything
What should I say?

I stop to breath
At least I try
But than I just cry
What should be there to reach?

Pain inside my heart
Ache every moment I think
About you, always just you
And I'm just falling apart

Why can't we start again
And have a certain chance
That we find us again
And stay together
But there is only rain

The heart I have is nothing worth,
If it can't beat for you, every time,
I know it's not fair
I can't explain everything I did
But we all have our reasons
And you give me some to cry

I just lay there in the silence
Forgotten and empty
Just with pain filled inside
Why do you can't see me die?

Is it that hard to understand
That I would be a friend and a good one
If I just had the chance to start again
To show you that I really love you
Even if you know it
It isn't the same

I'll still cry in the night
Will still try to find a way
Where everything is falling apart,
But it seems there is no way for another start...
  • Listening to: Guns n Roses - November Rain
Well, long time no word from me and maybe that was the best thing I could do. But today this entry is not easy to make, not easy to stand up for it, but it may help; - I really hope so!

Sometimes all you do is wrong and still you try to make everything right, you try to be a real friend to the people you really love. And then when you understand that you only hurt them, it is somehow too late! The recent days and even weeks this exactly happened. Now the year is closing and you begin to think about what you could do better next year.

I wish me this Christmas, the celebration of love, nothing more than that they forgive all my mistakes and that somehow they may still love me. I know this sounds desperate and to some people even funny, but that isn't the case here...

For the New Year I want to become the exact person  I was before, who was loved by many. I'm just me and if that is not enough, then be it so... I guess, I have hurt exactly the persons who love me, my family, my friends (and especially the girl with the diamond eyes). I hurt them and I have disappointed them. I dont even know why this happened and mabye it's true, that these times I only see myself...

But I can't face myself in the mirror anymore.

This is not a hidden apology, it's the truth and it hurts...

~ Changes ~

Tue Oct 3, 2006, 4:10 AM
  • Reading: 802.11X - Wireless Networks
BADFINGER'S WORDS FROM NOWHERE

Well I don't really know why I wanna write here such an entry and I don't really know what I want to say either. What I know is that time is always changing you and when you start to think about, you always begin to ask, in which direction. I had several troubled days but I also had many good days. Lately I seem to search for something and when I stand still, just for a moment I discover I do not need to seek something or so. The way I am, I'm ok, not the most humblest guy, but no bad boy either and the people who like me, like me the way I am.

But still I have changed. But I also guess the core will not change, the soul in yourself keeps your desires and dreams awake and your character may change, but not in such a way that you lose yourself. If that happens, something goes damn wrong!

Sometimes I think I was hiding somewhere for a long time, or maybe I just needed to discover other sides of myself. Since I started here in April 2002 I have changed and my art changed also. It seems that art is just like a mirror, or a place, where you can hide your fears, your pleasure and so on. Everyone may see it, but they may not understand what it means and also when they look at it, they see a part of themself, because when they start to think about, they discover another part of themself, of their ideas of life, the meanings they can understand and so on.

Today was just the right day to come back. I mean I wanted to do a picture, I did it and it hit the bulls eye. It's a great feeling when you see, people like what you do and they also find something, you have given them, even as you just did it for yourself.

Maybe I do not make sense, but that's ok.

I just want to say, changes may hurt, but do not change, just for changes...

Still Alive and Well

Fri Sep 22, 2006, 6:14 AM
BADFINGER'S WORDS FROM NOWHERE

STILL ALIVE & WELL

Hello there people, even as nothing is coming from me, I mean not a new piece and so on, I just wanna say, I'm fine so don't worry. But it seems that these days I don't need much art, I do not really write (only poems from time to time) and no graphics. I guess the time is coming back soon.

Anyway, Im allright.

Wish you all the same, have fun and stay alive!

~ Badfinger ~

  • Listening to: Johnny Cash - Devil's Right Hand
  • Reading: 802.11X - Wireless Networks