Sometimes you have to have the faith into yourself to push on for change, even if it is to find your way back on the road. So I tell you the truth, cause truth be told, I don't want to hold it back, so you may think better of me as I am.

In 2007 I led a life that was like the typical "go down with hellfire" kinda way. It was like AC/DC's Highway to hell and it was that I coudln't see the difference anymore. I know it may seem trivial, because people have done things much more threatening to their lives, but I guess for mine it was enough.

I have drunken too much and I have partied too much, I had to tell lies to cover my actions, I got angry at the false persons, I lost my family nearly even if I really love them dearly. This all had so many effects, that now in 2008 it is still hard to walk on, but the hope for change pushes me on. I can now tell you, that I found my way back. Sure the ice is still thin, but I'm in the right fighting mood and I have the feeling, that I do the right decisssions again.

I know I'm the kinda guy, that needs to feel the dirt between the teeth to get back to normal. There were so many times of silent tears, especially as I discovered my family was right what I did was not good for me. But I hadn't the guts to tell them streight that they were right and so it took for so long.

But now I fight my way back. Yesterday evening, until deep in the night, I browsed through my over 340 pieces of GFXArt and found, that I had something special. There are some pieces I'm really proud of and I see, even if I should have to leave this world tomorow there would be something that I leave, that is good. Like my short stories, but the most important things we leave behind is the scars we leave on people. I have done my share of those and I know that the time will come, when I will feel how those scars hurt.

Right now nothing is really ok. I fear that my trial time for the new job will not be successfull, even as I now push on more then I did ever before. For two weeks now I had around 60 to 70 hours a week of work. And I have to press on!

Also even as this should kinda get me down, make me weak, burn me out, it makes me stronger because I believe I can do what I have to do and that I'm stronger than before. Ok, I admit drinking alcohol had its fun times, and there are several evenings I really treasure. But the downside of all this was, that it really took me down ... totally. I know it may not be wise to tell here what happened, but now it is nearly a year later that I woke up in the emergency station and got told that I had over 3 promile... That was the time, when I discovered, that I wasn't any much better then my always drunk dad, who beat me as a child and who I hate more than anything on this world... except mabye myself for the foolish things I did.

I know this is kinda hard here to tell the truth and I even have to tell you, that I feel the tears right around the corner. But those are not the salty tears of a guy who has given up, but those belong to a young man who got strong and is happy that he found his way back. I have to express my deepest appologies foremost to my mother, who got hurt so much. Even as I know that not every argument was right from her side, even so I know that I did say things that should have been left unspoken, I want to tell the world, that I love her still and that I have now understood what I did wrong. I have only the way of showing that I can do better to get back her trust.

So this is my truth and it is a dirty one. But I will show that even if I got a little sidetracked, I have found my way back. This guy here is learning the hard way, but that is somehow the only way you really get it in your head stuck.

So next time if you see something from me, you may remember this post. That is ok with me, especially as now I have the guts to stay to my mistakes and I admit that I have the faith and power to get back to where I was before... even better, I will change to the one I want to be, a more skillfull, more smarter guy... To the good things (sure there were changes that were good ones in 2007) I want to hold on, want to express them more...

Thank you for your time! This had to be told...

Best regards,
Marcel